a weak pulse, a faint thumping of the heart, a slow but steady breathing-- yes i am still alive. i have landed in one piece at this land where people have small slits for eyes. eyes that just blink at me whenever i ask them if they know how to speak in english. there's something about this city. the air is thick with some airborne ennui that penetrates my pores, causing my mind to become numb. i've yet to tell my (mis)adventures but right now, as my vocabulary won't stretch as it usually does, here is a summary of all my words---

tangina, i have to survive china!

 

you'd have to forgive my sudden disappearance, mary jane. i do feel guilty with these long, unexcused absences without even a small note to let you know where i've gone to. truth is, i haven't really gone anywhere. not yet.

a week after i had the occasional "attack" involving the grief about my life not going anywhere else but down, i gave myself a good kick on the shins, good enough to wake me up and start sending out my resume like a desperate whore. and so pimp myself i did. and a week after that, someone answered--a hong kong employer who manufactures and retails toys. i was ecstatic and almost did a double loop when i got the invitation for an interview. i was set out to get the job, fight for it, flail myself into the ravine, teeth bared and guns blazing. and the employer, notorious for being strict and demanding (read: a slavedriver), liked this fighting spirit of mine, shining now more than ever. i have been polishing it for this kind of occasion.

and so. shenzen, china. who knows what's in store for me in this foreign city with its gleaming buildings, streamed roads and windows of the world? in 34 days, i'll find out.

for now, i have to know how the heck i could access blogs from there. a friend who stays in a nearby city said it's impossible. that, i think is the beginning of the sad part of this good news.

on girls

female social climbers - this is a complaint against this officemate of mine whose sole mission in life is to project the image of being loaded and fabulous. she sucks up to the rich and classy people from our office, trying to speak like them, wear their clothes, have the same set of friends. but she just looks ridiculous especially with her funny english expressions like "what izz?", "who izz?", and my favorite "where you go?" in manner of kris aquino.

girly magazines - i think a magazine that measures how in love you are by answering a 10-question quiz is just a big waste of money. in addition to that, these mags feature girls who only make me feel like i need to lose a little more weight, apply a little more make-up, wear something more fashionable. a magazine that makes me feel i'm ugly---why should i even buy that?

girls taking pics of themselves lying down - what's with this? i see a lot of girls in friendster with this pose. lying in bed ala celebrity model, hair spread out in the pillow, with that dramatic facial expression. does this make one look sexier? cuter? what?! what?!

on celebrities

sheryn regis - just look at the face then you'll know what i'm complaining about. nuff said.

showbiz talkshows - i don't give a rat's ass if pauline luna or kristine reyes, whoever they are, are cat-fighting over this new guy from star circle. i just can't get it why people like to talk about other people who they don't really know. on top of that, they always talk about the most petty, boring and stupid things like rivalries, bitchy comments, rumors of being japayukis, having liposuction, etc. you know, things that really really interest me... not! 

pinoy big brother - "the drama of real life" my ass. i mean... come on, can you really say that the drama of real life can be simulated within the confines of a house with the whole world watching your every move? give me a break. this is just another money-making venture hidden on the pretense of reality tv.

on friends

egocentric friends - the ones who talk about themselves all the time. and whenever you share something, they relate your experience to their own experiences and then the whole conversation is shifted again to themselves. it's just so tiring sometimes.

those who send chain mails - there's nothing more annoying than receiving these stupid chain mails your friends just sent out because they don't want to be cursed or suffer bad luck. there are chain mails that threaten to cause you bad luck in your love life and those who say a killer ghost will haunt you if you don't send it out. geez.

why? because i said so and because i'm in rant mode this entire month. here's the first part

on couples

guys who carry their girls' shoulder bags - what? if this is a showcase of being a strong, caring gentleman, then i guess you have a distorted view of being "the man" in the relationship. or is this just a repressed desire to know what it feels like to carry girly bags? unless your girl's limbs are completely amputated, you should never ever carry her lady bag.

pda in public vehicles - especially in the back of the fx taxi where i can see them right in front of me, faces once inch apart, the girl feigning sleep, the guy planting his lips on the girls' face as if it's not obvious that they're kissing. ugh! ! i'm also disgusted with those who do pda on escalators, the guy touching the girl's butt. can you please just get a friggin' room?!

on public courtesy

those who cut in line - hey! i didn't strain my legs in line just so you could cut in. i just hate these twits thinking that they can just cheat their way to get ahead. anyway, i'm sure they're big-time losers in their careers or social life because of their rotten way of doing things.

those who don't sit properly in public vehicles --  are your asses as big as texas that you have to occupy such a big space? geez, these people don't have any consideration for others. just because they got in first, their lazy asses won't even budge to give room for others.

those who talk loudly on their phone - either you have a weak ear or just a loud mouth. everytime a megaphone-mouth person would answer a cellphone, the people around would automatically keep silent not because they want to listen to the conversation but because they're already distracted.

those who sing in public - and the worst part is these diva-wannabes would choose to sing those regine velasquez, sarah geronimo songs with pitches as high as petronas tower. can't you just do it in the bathroom or somewhere nobody can hear you? i get goosebumps and they're not the good kind.

next up, on girls and social climbers. any complaints? join the rant fest.

i'm a big scaredy-cat. i'm not a fan of horror films or any disturbing image that will coincidentally flash in my mind at night, when the lights are out and everybody else is asleep except me. however, there are some things that scare me more than the usual monster that hides under the bed. these are:

1. sadako

for those who've seen "the ring", sadako has been a part of our nightmares which are recalled to reality everytime we hear a sudden phone call or catch a glimpse of a vhs tape or a tv with no signal. no other long-haired, white gown-wearing girl can scare me like this villain-slash-victim who pops out of the tv and then crawls with her nail-less fingers towards the screaming victim. and what scares me the most is that one never really knows what the hell sadako does to the poor victim to end up with an eerie post-mortem face. she just stands in front, maybe show her eyes (yeeep!) and then voila! the next morning, you find the victim with that startled, contorted face that I don't even want to describe right now. and you know what's funny? even if the first installment scared the living daylights out of me, i still watched the entire ring trilogy.

2. the sto. niño

i can't understand why they would make an old-looking kid in a stiff triangular dress with tons of shiny accessories as the icon of the child Jesus. for me there are two types of sto. niños. first is the one with the gaudy triangle dress, crown and holding a scepter or globe with cross on top. this version is usually small in size so that it fits the mini-altars in your homes. the other is the chubby type, dressed in simple top and shorts and bearing a long cross. this version is usually large in size and found in chapels or in commercial establishments (for luck??). but whatever type or size it is, the image of that eerie serene face with its big eyes and curly hair staring at me is one of the things that flash in my mind whenever i lay sleepless and paranoid at night.

read the entire entry here

1. any kind of FROG!

okay, so frogs aren't really that dangerous or scary unlike snakes or spiders. they don't bite or sting or do something evil or mischievous. In fact, they really don't do much other than sit still, hop around and blow up their throats to produce those mating noises (which, by the way is like a foreboding signal for me to run away). i don't know. they're just so freakin' creepy! most of them are slimy but what gets me the most is those huge bullfrogs with rough, wart-laden skin. ugh! facing something like that is the ultimate nightmare for me. i'm so freaked out with frogs that the mere sight of them produces goose bumps and would make me scream and jump about like the most embarrassing sissy that I am. everytime i encounter one on the road, i fear that it might jump and stick its slimy, warty body to my leg and if ever that happens (knock on wood), i am certain that i will pass out. give me cockroaches, spiders, rats, even big snakes any day. just not these slimy, warty amphibians.

now i'm wondering why the hell i even pasted images here.

i'm beginning to fear that one of these days i might start walking backwards and not know it. my mind and motor are so out of sync it's like i'm harboring siamese twins who like to go on opposite directions. maybe that's why i haven't been writing in the past few weeks. i wouldn't even call it writer's block. at night, while on my way home, i'd be flooded with words and ideas on how to tell you my present situation but when i'm in front of the pc, fingers poised on the keyboard, i'd only find myself stuck in that space between "dear you" and the first word. recently my mind's like a signed-off tv station where you only get that spectrum of colors and a high-pitched monotone.

but as you can see, i have found some pieces of me but the rest are still scattered somewhere, maybe meandearing in the busy streets of morocco while some are swimming with dolphins in the pacific for all i know. and the one typing this pathetic excuse? she's still trying hard to remember to put one foot in front of the other and not the other way around.

but i'll be writing again soon, maybe about how my left eye suddenly squints on its own or how i would say that i write like this when i'm distraught. maybe it's the heat, maybe i just need a vacation. someday i know i'll retrieve some parts of me in corcovado.