yesterday i swam in the crater lake of taal, where i let the warm, volcanic water wash away all my sins against myself. i have this habit of bequeathing myself to the seas, mountains, lakes, stars... so yesterday, before i turn another year older, i descended to the unseen mouth of the volcano that is usually admired thousands of feet above. they say volcanic water is good for the body, although i forgot for what particular reasons. all i know is that i was there for a different kind of cleansing. along with all the teeming energy underneath, i shared my own subdued pain, anger and sadness. and there, in the still lake, i left a part of myself and i took with me a part of taal.


since i was a little girl, i have always been fascinated by that immense body of water dotted with small mountains with mouths that hold the earth's secrets and stifled rages. high above a viewing deck in tagaytay ridge, i watched as the azure skies slowly soar above her and the lake that she lays upon. in the midst of all this stillness, its so hard to imagine the stark conrast of an eruption, of fires, burning rocks and dark ashes that have terrorized and destroyed lives. for a moment it scared me but fascinated me all the more. that day i thought i understood her beauty.


because nobody else can give it to me, i granted myself the experience of knowing if i really understood. and its true that what we know is only half of the truth. despite its calm, glassy waters, the crater lake still reminded visitors that it is active through the steam and intense heat felt in some of its parts. the bottom of the lake is lined with soft, flaky, yellowish mud, something like wood shavings that are stirred easily when you move in the water. so there i was, the only living creature in the lake, standing still and taking care not to disturb the water. i didn't stay long but i think i understood her, and maybe she understood me.

while others celebrate their birthdays partying or dining out, i hiked a volcano and swam in its crater. this is my self-love, my narcissism. today, the world continues to spin. and in the future, when she erupts again and lets out all the boiling rage of the earth underneath, i know that she has also freed a part of myself.