i remember having my first best friend when i was in first grade. her name was myla lopez. i can't remember her face now but i vividly see her as this bronze-skinned girl with long hair that curls at the end. we were seatmates then. we spent a lot of time playing chinese garter and collecting weird stones in the school playground which we believed to have supernatural powers. childhood was such a magical time, im sure you know that also. after classes, we go home at the same time and part ways near the school gate.

thinking about it now, i am quite unsure if those memories with myla really did happen. was she really a bronze-skinned girl with curly hair? did we really play chinese garter then? i don't know, that was such a long time ago. after a year she transferred to another school. at least that's what i think since i no longer saw her after grade one. but of all memories of myla lopez, there is one particular one that is forever etched into my mind.

it was an ordinary day. at around 9:30, the bell rings for recess. back then, my allowance was two pesos, which was either that big nonagon coin (or was it decagon?) or that green two-peso bill which i usually keep in a compartment in my desk. on that particular day, when i slipped my hand into my desk compartment, i realized that my two-peso allowance was missing. myla, being my seatmate, was immediately alarmed when she saw that i was anxiously searching for an item. expressing her concern, she confided seeing something that explains the loss my money.

"i saw it. something that stole your two pesos!"
"really?! do you know where my money is?"
"it was stolen! . . .  by an amputated hand!"

now, being a child, and a cowardly one at that, i used to believe in dwarves, mananaggal, kapre and one of my biggest fears is no other than the amputated hand which haunts me at night, thinking that it would crawl into my bed while i sleep. so of course, i believed her.

i vividly remember going home that day hungry and very scared that the amputated hand that stole my two pesos would follow me home and stranggle me once i go to sleep.

i was already in high school when i really thought about what happened that day and realized that the kid i considered my best friend stole my allowance and told me a crazy story as an alibi. i was chuckling, but thinking hard about it. i think it made a big impact on me. since then i never forgot about that day in grade one.

now i wonder where myla could be or if she grew up to be an honest person.

here's mine---

** sa isang bus pabalik ng maynila galing banaue **

"so galit ka sa kin?"
"hindi noh. isasama ba kita sa trip na to kung galit ako sa yo?"
" medyo nagui-guilty pa rin ako sa nangyari noon."
"tapos na yon. ganon talaga. ang importante, naging close friends tayo. mas ok yon, diba?
"onga. best friends na nga tayo e! halika nga dito at pa-akap."

best friend. sino nga bang mag-aakalang magiging ka-close ko tong mokong na to, much less maging best friend pa!? puchat. e dinate-date ako nito at pagkatapos ko syang magustuhan, bigla nalang syang mawawala at magkakagirlfriend. e nahulog na nga ata ako sa kanya noon. buti nalang matatag akong babae. o baka tanga lang talaga. mapagpanggap. nagpapakamanhid. ewan ko ba!

"alam mo ikaw lang ang kaibigan kong babaeng inaakap ko nang ganito. sobrang komportable kasi ako sayo."
"sus!.tsina-tsansingan mo lang ako e."
"ulul! pag-alis ko, mami-miss mo rin ako. malapit na yon."
". . . wag muna natin sigurong pag-usapan yon."
"sige. sandal ka na lang sa 'kin. matulog ka kung gusto mo. mahaba pa ang biyahe."

susubukan ko munang pumikit. siguro pag makakatulog ako, pansamantalang makakalimutan kong aalis na sya sa susunod na buwan. di na sya babalik. siguro kung bumisita man sya, isang beses sa isang taon. pero don na sya. malayo ang singapore. kung makapunta man ako don, siguro pag matanda na ako. malamang iba na ang buhay namin. baka mag-asawa na sila nung girlfriend nyang thai.

shet. bat ba ko naluluha!? inis na inis ako pag nagdadrama ang mga mata ko nang ganito. ngayon, tuloy-tuloy na ang daloy ng luha sa pisngi ko, papunta sa t-shirt nya. minumura ko na sya ngayon--tangina. sana hindi ka nalang naging mabait. o magaling mag-isip. o magaling magpatawa. o maalaga sa kin. sana makalimutan kita agad pag-alis mo. tama. makakalimutan din kita, sa mga araw na di ko na maririnig ang boses mo, sa panahong ibang balikat na ang sinasandalan ko. sana lang, hindi mo mahalatang medyo basa ang t-shirt mo.

** pagkatapos ng isang oras ng pagtutulug-tulugan **

"nakatulog ka ba ng maayos?"
"oo, salamat. ikaw?"
"hindi, pinapanood lang kitang matulog"

napakahimbing ng tulog nya. ramdam ko ang diin ng ulo nya sa dibdib ko, para bang may pinapakinggan sya. ilang beses ko na ring inisip na baka nagkamali ako nung itinigil ko yung paglabas-labas namin. kung itinuloy ko yon, malamang kami na. pero ngayon, wala nang balikan. mahal ko ang girlfriend ko. wala akong pinagsisisihan. wala nga ba?

"tanong lang."
"go."
"sa tingin mo, anong klaseng lalake ang dapat sa kin?"
"dapat sa  yo yung mature mag-isip, medyo strong ang personality. hindi pwede sayo yung lalampa-lampa. hindi ka nya masasabayan."
"may kilala ka bang ganon? ipakilala mo nga ako."

touché! haha!

hmm… so hindi ako ganon?

"ayoko nga. ayaw kitang ipamigay"
"ay ang drama!"

anong ayaw ipamigay!? pinakawalan na nya 'ko noon e. paano na kung magkahiwalay sila at gusto pala nya ako? pano kung hindi na ako pwede by then? kasalanan na nya yun. pero nagulat ako sa sagot nya. kilalang-kilala pala nya talaga ako. pero sa tingin ko tinutukoy nya sarili nya.

bat ganon? alam kong hindi naman dapat pero ayokong isipin na magkakaron sya ng boyfriend. ano kayang pakiramdam na mahalin ng babaeng katulad nya? malamang kakaiba yon. paano kaya sya humalik? ano kayang pakiramdam na maka-ano sya? ok… tama na!

"o sige na, tulog na tayo. nasa manila na tayo by 1am."
"tagal pa... huy…"
"o?"
"tama ka. mami-miss kita pag-alis mo."

hay. kelangan ko na muna sigurong tigilan ang sobrang pag-iisip. sa isang buwan, nasa sing na 'ko at mas mapapalapit na ko sa girlfriend ko. kung ano mang bumabagabag sa isip ko, mawawala rin 'to. buti nalang naging magkaibigan ulit kami. at pakiramdam kong hindi ko na ulit sya makakasama nang ganito. pero nganon, parang may malaking butas sa tiyan ko. parang may mali.

"alam ko. lapit ka pa nga. pa-akap ulit."

bakit kasi kung kelan sya aalis, saka pa kami naging close? kung kelan pa naging okay na ako, saka sya muling lalapit at papahirapan na naman akong sanayin ang sarili sa pagkawala nya. at ngayon mas mahirap pa kasi lalayo na sya nang tuluyan. para na rin syang namatay. siguro nga mas mabuti na yon. makakalimutan ko rin sya. sabi ko nga, matatag ako. kakayanin ko kahit ano. siguro maliban lang sa isa-- na tawagin nya akong best friend habang akap nya ako nang ganito.

geez. valentine's is over and here i am, still experiencing the after-shocks with a v day meme from snglguy. here goes

what did you do last valentine's day?
ate in mcdo st. francis and listened to my friend blah blahed me to death about her non-existing boylet.

what did you do this valentine's day?
got stuck in traffic, arrived home late and did my laundry till 12:30. cursed that big abomination of a day.

what would be the ideal place to celebrate valentine's day?
in a windy balcony or somewhere with an overlooking view where we'll talk and laugh and just have a wonderful time.

what qualities in a person would make an ideal valentine's date for you?
a good conversationalist, funny, witty and doesn't eat in a weird manner.

what gifts would you buy / have bought for your partner?
jacket, books, clothes, wallet . . .

what gifts have you received / would like to receive from your partner
i'd like a vacation trip to europe. so far i've only gotten cards and sexy underwear. tsk! tsk!

what was your all-time favorite romantic movie?
sleepless in seattle, before sunrise and il postino. these movies make my heart ache.

if you could choose any person on earth to be your date on valentine's, who would it be.
this tall, handsome boy i saw during a youth conference back in 97. nine years after i still think about him sometimes, wondering where he is or whether i'd bump into him during one of those serendipitous occasions. it's funny, you know. i just saw this boy. i didn't even talk to him or approached him. maybe he's the one that got away.

the world spins again after yesterday. hopefully on feb 14, 2007, i could answer this meme differently.

they promoted me to product manager. after two years and four months of toiling about sell-through data, profitability and gross margins, the big news came to me in a quiet room where my boss announced it to me in the most nonchalant way she can. she was flipping through the five-page evaluation form while explaining how i have proven myself over the years and how i deserve the perfect scores on all my key performances. i should be ecstatic, right? i should be jumping up and down, with a big smile plastered on my face, shouting whoopees! and woohoos! all over the place. but after saying my thanks, i left the small conference room, went back to my cubicle and stared silently at the spreadsheet i've been doing for the past two hours. i know. i'm an ungrateful employee. throw me out the 36th floor.

maybe this was triggered when i heard my boss mention the whole bull about my having big potential. i get that a lot from big shot bosses who have achieved the status of being called with their initials--mvg, jga, bbm. maybe i'm on the path to being an hrm. when i started out in the corporate world, i used to dream about hearing "please set a meeting with hrm "have this signed by hrm" and "get hrm's reco on this matter..." oh, shit. maybe i don't want that anymore.

so here i am, struggling with the promise of being a successful (and soulless) capitalist and this small painful churning in my stomach that says i'm supposed to be doing something else--something bigger, more meaningful, the job that i can proudly call mine. it might not be able to pay me big bucks, but at least i don't have to drag myself out of bed every morning. isn't our career struggle, all for finding this seemingly impossible job, mary jane? we dream of being astronauts and we end up in the trap of commercialism, thinking that it's a fanciful money-making venture. unfortunately, there's no turning back now. there's so much work to do, meetings to attend, numbers to crunch. as for that dream of flying into space, maybe tonight, before i go to sleep. if i do dream about it, i might not have to drag myself out of bed tomorrow.

"what do you look for in a man?" is the eternal question tossed with feigned casualness in conversations among singletons. it's bad enough that looking for the ideal man is impossible; i'm actually looking for a god. hmm... maybe that's why i'm single? anyway, i've been tagged by corsarius to answer the question so here goes:

#1 : as a god, my zeus is above the common man. this means that he has the power to overcome the one innate nature of men that all women detest--polygamy. in connection with this, he sees women as people and not walking, talking holes.

#2 : can make me and my buddies oscar the grouch and grumpy laugh our heads off. being the queen of doom and gloom that i am, i could use a lot of laughter and sunshine. still, i've beheaded a few court jesters for being terrible bores. mbwhaha! ....not really. but i guess you catch the drift.

#3 : has wisdom and maturity above my own. he questions my beliefs, corrects the things that i do wrong and can make me shut up and listen without having to tell me. he shares with me new things about life, relationships, religion, society, etc. and i share with him the things i know about the stars.

#4 : doesn't consider watching tv as a hobby. instead, he runs or shoots ball or swings racket or climbs wall. these are also the things that we do together other than the usual movie or dinner. he lets me be his number one fan.

#5 : loves the fact that i am crazy. he knows my quirks, my oddities and accepts them with thoughts that i am not ordinary. with that, he keeps me sane.

#6 : has teeth like white picket fences. nice teeth = great smiles. am a sucker for wonderful smiles.

#7 : knows how to kiss a girl with braces. pucker? smack? suck? nah, he doesn't need to be a casanova with kissing a girl with braces. he just has to be a casanova with kissing.

#8: with my zeus, i am my best self. because i've yet to find out who that is. and with him, i know i'm on the right track. in the real world where even brad pitt has an ugly side, i know that my zeus is not exactly unflawed or completely compatible with me. i want someone who fits.

whew! i think i'd pass on tagging anyone. i've seen this meme around and it just proves that the ideal man (or god) is a favorite myth that will always be talked about.

telemarketers. apparently it's not just those fuckers lurking in dark alleyways, those philanderers spending $700 on their suits with your tax money or those miscreants peddling off 12-year-old girls to white thrash pedophiles. now, evil dons a phone headset, has its grimy hands on your contact information and catches you unaware with a phone call in the middle of the day. it has gone high tech and capitalizes on the accessibility of information and lack of protection from our laws to inflict more suffering on an already hard life. the next thing you know, you're being sales talked for hours to buy this stupid product that you never thought you'd buy in your entire life. if you're gullible enough, they can sway you to lend your credit card on the pretense of an "approval" and the rest is history. come billing time, it's the most expensive purchase listed in your credit card bill. 

unfortunately for me, i was one of those gullible ones who actually believed in the basic goodness of people. big mistake. last month i got a call from a telemarketer informing me that i have won a prize and that i have to claim it in their office in ayala. beating me to the punch, she mentioned that they wouldn't sell me anything nor make me attend a long seminar, as if to say that it was not a modus operandi to trick me into buying their products. and i believed that, stupid me. three days after, i found myself in the office of a pre-need company, the type that sells life insurance, pension plans, education plans and the like. to cut the story short, the whole visit ended up with a sales agent talking crap about their special super savers plan promo which is offered only that day and that i shouldn't let go of. and have i mentioned that i was a gullible little girl? well, i am a gullible little girl, making me the perfect target for these evil scum opportunists. the next thing i know, i am lending them my two credit cards and then that was the start of my 15-year pension plan--biggest headache for this year.

now i'm in the middle of this fight for that pre-need company to cancel the plan and for them to clear the credited amount in my accounts. after sending a long and detailed letter  they denied my request and suggested that i continue the plan. so here i am, distraught about the latest hand that god dealt me. i know that god pinches and pricks us every now and then to make us tougher and wiser in life. but hoh boy, this recent one is just a big blow. and last night i believe i grew tougher than darth vader and cruella deville combined, all with the realization of the truth that it's so hard to trust. everywhere people lie and given the opportunity, they will always take advantage of others. and this is true not only with businesses but also with personal relationships. and much as i still want to believe in the goodness of others, this recent experience taught me that seeing people that way can only bring me to my own undoing. and this thought scared the hell out of me.

so tonight i pray to god to give me peace of mind, that i may be able to keep my integrity and faith in all that is good amid all the madness where people suffer from the evils and harshness of life. may i be strong and wiser to know how to protect myself, discern his messages and learn to live my life the way that will please and glorify god. and may permanent financial inc. go bankrupt and burn down to hell. amen.